Dancing with a Narcissist

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Have you ever experienced a situation in which you were the target of a massive blow-up, verbal abuse, a level of anger that seemed wildly disproportionate to the situation at hand, or an unpredictable, unexpected, or even shocking outburst from a colleague, friend, family member, or acquaintance?

If so, it’s possible that you experienced a fit of Narcissistic Rage, and that you might be caught in an unfortunate dance with a narcissist.

While the word narcissist is sometimes used broadly (and incorrectly), one of the defining characteristics of a narcissist is an individual who views others as objects, rather than as people. People are seen as sources that supply the narcissist with attention, admiration, and idealization to maintain a concealed fragile sense of self. (Source: The Parasitic Relationship Between A Narcissist and an Empath by Rachel Partiali, Therapy Route)

Narcissistic Rage can be defined as intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression when a narcissist experiences a setback or disappointment, which shatters his (or her) illusions of grandiosity, entitlement, and superiority, and triggers inner inadequacy, shame, and vulnerability.
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Examples range from intense outbursts and sudden fits of anger, to passive-aggressive acts such as simmering resentment, icy silence, deliberate neglect, or cutting sarcasm.
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It often occurs when the narcissists’ wants and wishes are not catered to. It is a blow to their superficial, idealized self-image.
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It may occur when:

The narcissist doesn’t get his or her way, even when it’s unreasonable.
The narcissist is criticized in some way, even when the critique is made diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively.
The narcissist isn’t treated as the center of attention, even when there are other priorities.
The narcissist is caught breaking rules, violating social norms, or disregarding boundaries.
The narcissist is asked to be accountable for his or her actions.
The narcissist suffers a blow to his or her idealized, egotistical self-image (such as when being told he will not be given “exception to the rule”, or be granted “special treatment”).
The narcissist is reminded of his or her charade, manipulation, exploitation, inadequacy, shame, or self-loathing.
The narcissist feels not in control of their relational or physical surroundings. (Source: Narcissists Rage by Preston Ni, Psychology Today)

I’ve seen Narcissist Rage occur when managers attempt to provide kind and clear feedback to a team member; when a friend confronts another friend about something that felt hurtful or disrespectful; or when a partner tells their significant other “this is not okay” after being mistreated. The reactions have ranged from a massive blow-up with yelling, to gaslighting, to hanging up the phone in a fit of rage, to the narcissist telling the other person that they are crazy for feeling the things they feel.

In my own work, I tend to work with a large number of heart-centered individuals and leaders —many of whom identify as empaths. Empaths are highly sensitive and are able to feel the emotional needs of others, and often put the needs of others before their own.

A confusing and toxic relationship can develop over time between an empath and a narcissist, where the empath desires love and validation from the narcissist and tolerates high levels of mistreatment, disrespect, and even abuse in hopes of one day receiving it. Research has found that the more love and care the empath pours into the narcissist, the more controlling and abusive the narcissist will become, intensifying the abusive and dysfunctional dynamic. Typically, in this dynamic, the empath blames him/herself while the narcissist only feels more powerful and entitled.

In these situations, typically, our standard communication and leadership-related tools don’t work. While I typically encourage looking in the mirror to examine our own part in any conflict or miscommunication; treating others with kindness and compassion; and telling the truth with heart, when dancing with a narcissist, we often need a different set of tools altogether.

Here are a few that we can try.

Meditation: especially meditations that are rooted in loving kindness, Tonglen (taking in other people’s pain while sending them relief) or cord cutting (a visualization in which we “cut energetic cords” with another person or situation
Deep breathing: lengthen the exhale to be slightly longer than the inhale
Release: what can I let go of? How can I carry forward the lessons of this interaction, while releasing what doesn’t serve me?
Practicing compassion and empathy: toward ourselves, and the other person or people involved
Engaging the help of a professional: a coach, therapist, mentor, or trusted colleague for outside perspective
Putting down the metaphorical mirror: recognizing that in some situations and relationships, resolution is not possible. The problem is no longer about us. Little heartfelt communication lands with those who are not willing to do their own self-reflection and take responsibility for their side of the street. In these cases, we accept that we’ve done all that we can do and work to release the grips of the situation or the other person.

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