The Accommodation Equation: An Alternative Framework to Setting Boundaries

Do you sometimes say ‘yes’ to requests from others, without first considering how the decision might also impact you?

Do you quickly respond to incoming inquiries - and then, only later, consider the impact of your response?

An “accommodation” as anytime we take other people’s needs into account, without also considering our own.

We can think about this as an alternative framework to setting boundaries. We can regularly and proactively create and set rigid boundaries, but the truth is that life is fluid and situations are unique.

Thinking about the Accommodation Equation, however, allows us to decide in the moments how we want to consider or honor other people’s needs and requests ... while also considering and honoring our own.

We can consider questions such as:

If I say yes to this reschedule request, how does it also impact *my own* calendar and schedule?
If I say yes to moving the meeting across town, how does it also impact *my own* commute time to my meeting afterward?
If I agree to review the document, how does it also impact *my other* deadlines for the week?

If we find ourselves feeling resentful, it may be because we’ve made an accommodation that doesn’t feel balanced: we’ve accommodated other people without also putting ourselves in the equation. If we do this over time, it’s possible for the resentment to build... particularly in relationships or situations where we find ourselves making a lot of accommodations.

We can practice this in the moments by considering:

What is a win/win/win? (Good for the other person, good for me, good for the whole?)
What is in the highest good for all?
How can I honor the other person’s request while also taking into account my own needs and wishes?

What do you think? Does this idea ring true for you?

Thank you for reading, and to my colleague B for the excellent language for this concept.